Taking Flight

This was the blog that saw the second biggest transformation of my life, the first being the day I realized I had a problem with alcohol and sought help on June 29, 1997

This was the blog that had me laughing, crying, and bonding with persons from around the world. We had a common language (“TTC” “CD1” “CM” “sucks sweaty donkey balls”), and held each other not only through infertility but births, deaths, breakups, moves, career changes and just every good and bad thing life has to offer.

This was the blog that at times were my only link to sanity as the world around me got more and more insane.

But now the silence is deafening, pulsating in my ears as I walk farther and farther away from this world.

I will not delete this blog because it would be like deleting myself the self I was from August 2004 when I laid on a table nervous but so very excited for what I thought laid ahead.

I cannot delete who I was in February 2007 when we heard “Diminished Ovarian Reserve”. I cannot delete the self of November 2009 who woke up to hear the doctor’s voice on the other line telling me that my eggs had not fertilized.

To delete them would delete the events that made me who I am today. Sad sometimes, bitter sometimes but stronger and with a deeper urgency to keep the blessings I have in my life.

So the blog stays to let those of you know there is life there is joy there is life after infertility. I didn’t come away with the happy ending most people want to see in an infertility blog but the good news is that I didn’t have an ending but a new pathway.

Those who know me IRL can find me on Facebook. You can see the mundanity of my blessed life chronicled on twitter on the sidebar or you can look for nycphoenix.


National Infertility Awareness Week 2011: MythBusting

Myth: Living child free is a choice, and they never wanted children.


Living child free is not a choice for Mikey and I. It was the life line we grabbed onto after five years of

  • Being poked and prodded by a dozen REs, OB/GYN, nurses, ultrasound techs, and phlebotomists of varying skill levels.
  • Voluntarily poking myself with needles large enough to harpoon fish
  • Subjecting my body to drugs that made me moody, made me break out and made me feel like a$$
  • Subjecting my body to yo-yo weight gain and losses as I lost to “improve my chances” and gained by eating my feelings at every failed cycle
  • Straining my marriage to the woman of my dreams to the breaking point where only God and a very good couples therapist saved us from the brink
  • Setting back a decade’s worth of debt payment by charging up new debt to pay for procedures and items not covered by insurance
  • Battering my recovery, my serenity and my overall mental health as my entire worth became wrapped up in my ability to have my egg play nice with some very expensive sperm
  • Finally getting the message that after 17 inseminations (at home and at the doctor’s) using fresh and frozen sperm and 3 IVFs that my ovaries were in already going full speed on that highway to hell and that no amount of prayers or medical knowledge was going to change that fact.

We want children, we really do. But we wanted our lives, our selves, our marriage back from the black hole infertility brought them to. I mean the reason we wanted to grow our family was because we felt so blessed and luck to have found the perfect partner what could make it better than to share that with a child? Makes sense, right?

And when we finally peeped up our heads  from the darkness we found that we had damaged so many parts of our lives that adoption, donor eggs or surrogacy were no longer options for us. But more importantly we knew that we needed to repair our very beings. We were no longer the same persons we were back in 2004 when we had our first insemination.  Angry, sad bitter, distant from each other when our hearts used to beat in sync. We came to the realization that whatever we had to offer a child  back then was lost in the crazy of infertility. We know we can recover it but at 38 and 54 (as of the writing of this post) we know that we can not recover it and fix our circumstances in enough time to pursue another path to parenthood. 

So we are slowly refocusing our dreams. We are learning to love again with the joy and abandon we had at the beginning. I’m recommitting to my program of recovery. We take comfort in our church, our friends, our families, our cat. I’m trying to jumpstart a career that fell by the wayside. Mikey is going to go back to school to try something different. We try not to cry too much when a new baby enters our lives. Occasionally we play with “What If”…”we get a 2 bedroom” or “come into some money”. We finish the game by saying: we will strive to be happy and to live in love no matter what.

Learn about infertility here.

Learn about National Infertility Awareness Week here.


Post 810: A New Year

It is 2011 and I’ve missed NaBloPoMo

I’ve missed a message for the holidays

I’ve missed any New Year’s Meme.

Blogging just goes right by me. I’m still occasionally active on my twitter and FB and will check in at 4 square but blogging has just sat there

I want to write but I dont know where my voice is. I used to write. I have journals. I have 1 academic article published. I was an editor of newspapers and literary magazines in college. But nothing interests me.

I read stuff on being femme, gender and queer theory but it doesn’t hit me with the urgency it did when I was newly out.

I’ve written on what it means to walk in this world as a person of color; about the intersections of race and class

I’ve aired the dysfunctional dirty laundry of my family

I’ve talked about alcoholism, violence, sex, relationships, clothing, being fat, having surgery, health scares

And lastly I’ve talked about infertility.

This week I will be the “Last of the Mohicans”.  I will be the only one remaining from the core group of bloggers/posters without a child. Out of the first group of women I met in a website long ago, I am the only one without the typical happy ending.

Some may say its because I chose not to adopt. And they will be right. And there are days I feel like banging my head on the wall but I know with each blow i feel on my forehead that my heart just will not open up to that option. Most of it is battle fatigue. I dont want to make the effort of the application the home study the classes (if we go through foster adopt). I wish I had done that around IVF #2 when I still had enthusiasm and hope and refused to consider anything but getting pregnant.

I want my doorbell to ring and there be a baby in a basket. I want to magically have sex (and get pregnant) with a guy with no repurcussions to my relationship. I want my eggs to be plump and young and respond to drugs and grow by twentyfold as opposed to the meager five or six. I want to win the lottery so it doesnt matter that Mikey is still unemployed (going on 2 years this March) and buy a big house in an area with a good school district and then happily pay the fees for a private adoption or donor eggs or donor embryos.

In short I want to escape the realities of an unemployed older spouse with health issues, a 1 bedroom apartment in a neighborhood with a lousy school district and that right now after bills, I live on 100 dollars a month or less.

Will continuing to write about this ad nauseum help in this escape? Help to heal from the low level grief and depression I have had for the past two years? Or am I just spinning on a hamster wheel of pain by continuing to write?


NaBloPoMo #9

So yes i’m not in the best of spaces right now. I am running on fumes and I’m hoping to find my voice again. It was easier to TTC to have that being m whole focus although I am grateful that we’re not dealing with all this and trying to raise a child. But we would havve survived for the sake of our family

And I will survive for the sake of our Family even if its smaller that I have envisioned


NaBloPoMo #8

I’ve talked in bits and pieces about the various medical issues with Mikey but as things get more complex its time to give a fuller picture. We’ll start from head to foot:

Head:  As a child, Mikey had a cleft palate that was surgically corrected when she was three. She complained of hearing problems to her parents who due to ignorance, poverty, racism and classism never got the problem properly diagnosed and treated. She has been diagnosed with sensorineural hearing loss in both ears and needs hearing aids for both ears (cost 800-3500 each not covered by insurance). She also suffered from nasal polyps and underwent sinus surgery in 2005. Sinuses have been stablized with nasal sprays and allergy meds.

Eyes: started wearing glasses in adulthood. currently uses trifocals. family history of cataracts. recently diagnosed with the beginnings of cataracts told to come back in 6 months

Mouth: great teeth lousy gums. has had bone grafts and gum surgeries and needs another bone graft

Back/neck: relatively normal a bit of whiplash from a car accident

Breasts: extremely cystic requiring a mammogram and an ultrasound. Has had a biopsy in 2009. Benign. Procedure left scars

Arms: Stiffness and pain in left elbow. favors right arm for lifting. Unknown cause.

The girly bits: cystic ovaries occasional painful periods but otherwise normal

Knees: Bowlegged as child. Never addressed. Double knee surgery for meniscus (sp?) issues. Diagnosed with arthritis in knees  in 2009.

Ankles and Feet: Arthritis, plantar facitis, bone spurs broken toe in the 80’s severely flat feet. Orthotics made in 2006/2007. Helped for a bit until last few months when feet where in constant pain. New Podiatrist ordered an MRI which found 2 tendon tears in the right foot. recommends brace for the right foot and new orthotic for the left. cost: 1k (not covered by insurance). surgery (100% covered by insurance) is an option but podiatrist thinks its too extreme a measure right now but doesnt discount it down the line if the brace stops helping

Other: borderline cholesterol, propensity to bite cuticles to injury

Has been unemployed since march 2009. finishes paralegal training in December. Unemployment ends in  weeks

So now here we are looking at different paths: medical loans, SSD, welfare, taking her off my insurance and applying for Medicaid, dipping into the paltry 401k, looking for private grants and charity funds

I am at my wit’s end.


NaBloPoMo #5 (and #6 and #7)

So yeah umm ooops.

Well Friday Mikey and I get more news about more medical stuff and we now have to figure out how we are going to find k for her medical needs or whether welfare or SSD is the better route.

Then I was a pilgrim for MCCNY Church Lady Bingo:

Saturday I don’t wanna talk about it. I was a bitch.

Today I was surprised with a matinee of La Cage Aux Folles and dinner for my birthday.


NaBloPoMo #4

This is the copy of the prayer i wrote for my friend. It’s paraphrased from this prayer that I wrote for the wonderful Calliope and Captain Adorable:

A Prayer For You, Baby

Dear Infinite Love, Gentle Creator,

We are gathered today to celebrate the gift of life

You have entrusted to Your beloved children, M and Y.

 Thank You for carrying M and Y for carrying them on a path,

while tinged with some sadness, has provided countless blessings to them and those that love them.

 Thank You for giving M and Y the faith to take this leap into the unknown.

 Thank You for giving their child grandparents, godparents, aunties, uncles

and other family in abundance.

 Bless this child with M’s laughter and joy of life.

 Bless this child with Y’s gentle strength.

 Bless this child with Reverend P’s passion for justice in this world.

 Bless this child with MJ’s tranquility.

 Bless this child with B’s energy and gift of service and

Mel’s sweetness that surpasses any sugar.

 Bless this child with love, joy and faith personified by the family of faith

at Metropolitan Community Church.

 And today as we celebrate the impending arrival of another Beloved Child,

let M and Y know they are never alone; that

God’s Love is Everlasting, Manifest through  Your Children

 And all the people said: Amen and Amen!

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