Saturday Scattergories

SCATTERGORIES - it’s harder than it looks! Play here or play on your blog. (note to those new to the game: these don’t have to be actual truths. If it helps- replace the word “you” in the questions & substitute it with “someone”.) Play on!

Take the first letter of your favorite beverage and use it to answer the following:

1) What is your favorite beverage? Tea

2) Something you would grill? T-bone steak

3) Something you would wave?  Train Ticket

4) Something you would fight for? Territory (usually in bed)

5) Something you would celebrate? Thanksgiving

6) Something you would whisper to Ben Franklin?  “Turkey?!? You’ve been flying your kite in the rain too long.”

7) Something your neighbors would bring to the party? Tapas

8 ) Something that makes you see fireworks? Twilight

9) Something that is located in Washington, D.C.? Tourists

10) Something red or white or blue? Turnips

Sisyphus at work

I am in my office today and it feels like I never left it. I dreamt of big brown eyes that I never met in person but they will now be permanently present in my brain. I am a social worker. I work with persons in crisis. And the worst has occured. It was a blindside; there was nothing to indicate the danger. But hindsight is 20/20.

When I worked in HIV I had to accept the fact the no matter what services I provide I cannot stop the disease from ultimately winning, I couldn’t stop death. I went to 10 funerals in 8 years.

But I still lived with the hope that I could stop murder. But yesterday while reviewing notes and speaking with the social worker the full impact that despite my education, my passion, my skills, in the end I may not change the outcome. That for the thousands of persons helped by my agency there are thousands more that never made it in the door. And that’s the reality of my profession.

My comfort is that for the one person lost I know I have helped hundreds. And I will continue to help hundreds more. Not everyone but many. And that has to be enough.

 

Open mind, open wound

Even though I still think I’m not ready I thought I would share some thoughts about couple’s therapy.

• it kinds sucks but in a good way.
• my spouse is the master of circular and tangential communication. An example of this would be that an answer to a question would be “I went to the store today.” but for Mikey it would be “I  got up and put on my favorite t-shirt the one I got at Disney World when I went with my sister…..and I went to the store.”
• our communication styles is sometimes like two ships passing. I say something and expect her to fully absorb it and she will tune out statements that she deems emotionally loaded. She constantly second guesses herself and this freezes her into silence because she’s scared of saying the wrong thing.
• I need to make sure I am clear, comprehensive and concrete in communicating my needs.
• we grieve differently and at different times and we need to recognize and accept that

all this insight of course hasn’t stopped us from having a tense exchange in which as I am typing this post she asks me a question and in irritation I state “Are you talking to me? Because I’m in the middle of something and can’t tell when you’re across the room and watching tv whether it’s me you’re talking to.”

sigh…I doesn’t help that I am coming off a hard day at work in which as supervisor I had to provide support and comfort to a social worker that had a Worst Case Scenario come to pass. As I reeled with the news and dealt with my shock and the social worker sat teary eyed and trembling, the full weight of my position hit me. It is almost midnight and I wish I can leave work at work but today its too hard.

HAPPY PRIDE!

LIVE!

LOVE!

BE!

Saturday Scattergories

SCATTERGORIES - it’s harder than it looks! Play here or play on your blog. Saturday is game day!

Take the first letter of your favorite color and answer to the following:

1) What is your favorite color?   Red

2) Something you would poke?   Rolls (to see if the bread is still soft)

3) Something you would reheat?   Rice

4) Something you would carry in your purse?   red lipstick

5) Something you would recycle?   r*eynold’s wrap

6) Something you would scream if being attacked?   RAPE!!!!

7) Something you are wearing right now?   red nail polish

8 ) Something that would make you blush?    Runs in my stockings

9) Something that would cure a bad day?    Roses

10) Something that you would photograph at the zoo?   Rhino

Chomping at the bit

While I may have been nuts to be organizing pride for two organizations I can’t help but get excited as the weekend approaches and we get our PRIDE on. Saturday Mikey and I will have a day date just the two of us to celebrate our anniversary in peace and away from a jam packed Sunday where I will be marshaling for MCCNY followed by a dance by the Roundup and then collapse into exhaustion. The churches are the second to last group this year on the march order so its going to be a long day.

I have thought about my anniversary but i never got into the habit of celebrating it. Since my sober anniversary is so tied into Pride its usually hard to do something for myself. I’m usually happy if at least three people remember. But its not about the celebration and the cash and prizes its about how One day a year I can reflect back at the life saving gift sobriety has been. Everything I have is because of sobriety. And the last couple of years have been an uphill battle in maintaing it.

To Post

• There’s the post on how my sponsor suggested that I work my steps in relation to my relationship.
• There’s the post on how I’m scared that I’ve become everything for Mikey, her number 1 when she can’t be my number 1. (You see many moons ago, we felt our relationship worked because she put God first and I put AA first, now with her crisis of faith it feels uneven)
• There’s the post about 30 Days Cali is talking about.
• There’s the post about my idea for my seminary essay.
• There’s the post on how my new job is kicking up old traumas.
• There’s the post in which I get initiated to the VMB
• There’s the post in how I would love it if Mikey would make the grand gesture of proposing a California marriage but I know she thinks its pointless and it won’t happen and i should just accept it.
• There’s the post about how I reflect on my upcoming milestones: five years since Mikey and I exchanged rings and 11 years since I stumbled hungover into an AA meeting hoping to find the will to live. Both are this Sunday.
• There’s the post on how I am helping to organize Pride events for TWO different organizations.
• There’s the password protected post I may write about an action that I am about to do that while morally right may bring about negative reactions from the public.
• There’s the post on how the major problem in my life is keeping it simple and balanced.

Far away, so close

Today while commenting at a blog I don’t usually comment my only choice to leave a comment was to sign in with my google sign in. It was the first time in a looong time since I signed in with that and I can’t believe the reaction I had within myself. When my comment appeared on the screen it appeared with my old avatar of an ewok. It seems like another lifetime ago when Mikey and I were using pics of ewoks as our avatars.  When this blog didn’t exist.

It was another life ago. It ws a life where Mikey and I were happily married. It was a life where I weighed a little under 200lbs. It was a life that knew nothing about giving an intramuscular shot. It was from a blog that had links to babywearing websites. It was a life where I couldn’t even imagine that I would not come out with a baby. Our baby. Our Ewok. Our plans for a weird wacky Star Wars themed baby shower. Our naivete. Hell I’ll even give voice to the bitterness: Our stupidity.

I saw that avatar and it propeled me back to a painful place I thought was past. I mean I even told another blogger that the pain will fade. I think it still holds true. The pain has faded but yes, it will come back. Once in a while you will feel your breath catch and heart twist in on itself because for a brief moment you saw what could have been and wasn’t.

For a brief moment looking at that tiny furry face next to a moment and I saw the Sophia I was about four years ago. And with all my being I wanted to somehow meld my hand into the screen as if somehow I could touch that Ewok and be twonycmoms again and we could again be on the Journey to an Ewok. But then the reality set in. And with my hand still stretched out I knew that I was reaching into the impossible. And that I will be Forever Reaching.

Forever. Reaching.

Rising with the bitter taste of ashes of a journey burnt in my mouth and in my soul.

I am the Phoenix. Nycphoenix.

sniff snork gag

Sorry about that it seems I’ve caught a summer cold which is great because the bitch is supposed to make her appearance this week so nothing like being congested and crampy at the same time.

On another note I need a gangsta name. Any ideas?

Scattergories

1. What is the name of your street? Fairview

2. A 3 letter word? Far

3. Something you would find in an office? File cabinet

4. Something that smells bad? Feces

5. Movie Title? Fargo

6. Slow Dance Song? From a Distance

7. Something in your pantry? Fusilli

8. Name of a pet turtle? Frankie

9. Fetish or Phobia? Foot Fetish

10. something you would find in your medicine chest? Floss