I will get to the writing topics as soon as I can because lo and behold a new obsession has come into my life.

earlier this week I rode an elevator at my building with a guy who had a carrier with a label “Phanton” and he was mentiononing something about letting a cat out. Was so tired didn’t bother to inquire.

Blizzard day I was doing laundry and an all black cat was in the basement. thinking that the super let him in i went to get him a can from the rejects of Flo’s food (he is picky and i have cans of food he wont eat). When i came down. maintenance put the cat out in the storm stating that he wasnt going to be responsible.

I got Mikey to come down with a second can because kitty was famished. Mikey couldn’t stand the sight of kitty in the storm so a few minutes later there is a cat in our bathroom because its the only room with a door. Flo is hissing at the door.  I believe we have found Phantom the cat mentioned earlier. Although right now he’s being called Inky.

He’s living in our bathroom until yesterday when he was cleared medically to mingle with other cats (treated for fleas, treated for mites, FLV/FIV negative, and vaccinated for rabies and distemper). No openings at any rescue groups i called or emailed but one friend donated money for his vet care and will donate for neutering once I find an appt.

Flo has beeen hissing and went on a short hunger strike with encopresis fun. Couple of doses of laxative stopped the silliness. Inky (temp name) is a cuddle bunny much to Mikey’s discomfort (she can’t concentrate in the bathroom with the cat there).

We let him out once and there was some chasing and hissing and while there were no fights i hated that my cat ended up under the bed and refused to come out.  Flo is all talk and no action even though he is at least double inky’s weight. Inky  while not showing a lot of agression is unneutered. So we tried Inky in the carrier in the living room but Inky learned how to use brute force to open the carrier. More chasing and hissing.

So now we’re buying a hard carrier and playing lock the kitty in turn. Inky in the bathroom, flo out. flo gets linen closet time (he loves it) so Inky can be out and about.  Once we get the carrier, Inky will get limited release into the living room.

Advice:

• Flo is a slow grazer while Inky inhales his food. Once he’s out of the bathroom, how can we avoid him eating flo’s food?
• It seems that Inky refuses to have a bowel movement in the litter box. He will urinate in it however. How to retrain? I never had this happen with any of my cats. So far the bathtub, the bathroom floor and the living room floor have been hit. Today I put some of Flo’s stuff and Inky’s stuff in Inky’s litter box and hope that will click in his brain. I also left the tub filled with an inch of water.

oh and before you ask

Advent is going to suck because you will be hearing a lot of:

This

This

And the passage for today:

This

So Christian sister infertiles just book your nice secular vacation to mexico starting in December or you may end up reading the Bible passage in front of about 100 persons who trudged through snow to get to church and for some strange reason the words start blurring and your voice catches and on top of it you’re being recorded for the church broadcast on public access.

Phrase borrowed from a trans activist.

You’re right I need to keep writing but can’t think of topics so for the 3 people left out there. I’m opening it up to questions. Ask away and I’ll answer to the best of my ability

Thank you for the emails comments and support. I’m kinda rudderless and spacey at the moment. I honeslty feel so dissassocaited from my feelings right now. I know that I’m angry. I know that I am relieved too. I know that I’m sad. I know it all in my head but other than the bah humbug post I can’t seem to get it out.

I feel like I should be crying about IVF the Third but I’m not. Why? As I pack up the extra meds and HPTS to send to the clinic as I sort through five years of paperwork into shred not shred piles, as I look at a pic of Ewok II from IVF #2 I feel nothing but…relief? A lightness of letting go?

I paused at the adoption stuff for a bit and even read a couple of pages and then I…laughed bitterly. Unemployed, no child care, one bedroom, no extended family, arthritis, morbid obesity, no way.

Every so often I think, I’m infertile. There will never be a baby in our home. I will never know what it is to wipe up puke and deal with diaper blowouts, the first step, the first tooth, school plays, teen tantrums. That will never be part of my life  It blows my mind but doesn’t hurt my heart. Why?

Where is the heartbreak? And for that matter , if i’m not heartbroken, where is the happiness? I don’t like this place I am in.

Bah effin HUMBUG

1. Mikey hasnt found a job. Partially this is the economy but its also her lack of self confidence that prevents her in applying for some jobs because of whatever reason she comes up with.

2. She hasn’t done anything to get a training, a course, go to social work school, go to seminary

3. My nephews really want a play kitchen. Plastic since it has to be outdoors. No vendor will ship an oversized item to PR so it will have to be sent to me and then I send it to PR. But its all a moot point because I can’t afford it! None of us can!

4. We can’t afford a Christmas tree, real or fake. Not one drop of decoration is up. Its so depressing at home.

5. And oh yeah, I went from one embryo in IVFs 1 and 2 in 2007 to cancelled cycle due to lack of fertilization in 2009 so i think we can safely assume I have gone past diminished reserve to premature ovarian failure.

Today its just all hitting me and I had a huge crying jag this morning and one right now and I just want to check out

God did give me a heads up. At the workplace tacky gift exchange I opened my present to reveal a small bottle of vodka. The brand I bought to relapse with. My blood ran cold witht hat God moment. I was able to exchange it but yeah that was freaky.

I have:

Almost full prescription of medrol (-1)

Bottles of sodium chloride

25g 5/8″ needles

Several syringes of mixing needles

1 dose doxycycline

1 dose ganirelix

2 weeks of progesterone suppositories

Two vials of a Puerto Rican donor from California Cryo (Can email you the donor profile stuff)

One vial of a Puerto Rican donor from Biogenetics (#566, can view profile at www.sperm1.com)

This is good. It’s good to have an administration unafraid to show its support.

This is frustrating. Where is the cure?!?

This is maddening. Where is the prevention? The support for those living with the disease?

This is heartbreaking.  I remember Valentin, Dan, Josie, Vilma, Frank, Talia, and 10 former clients.

I once heard you either walk towards your fate or you are dragged.

I read a tragedy by Federico Garcia Lorca. The mother had lost her husband and older son previously and now her only child left is dead. In her grief she said that while oher women waited by windows to see if their men cme home she would sleep in peace knowing where her men were.

Tonight there will be tears but there will be peace. Tonight we will walk and not be dragged.

All this to say: no eggs fertilized. The cycle is cancelled.

I will now fully embrace my fate. Our fate. Walking. Head high. Wings spread. My soul on fire.

I am the Phoenix.

the good: retrieval went smoothly today and I got five eggs!

the incredulous: imagine our shock to find out that the two vials we thought we had disposed of back in the day WERE STILL IN THE CLINIC! This pisses me off because I wouldnt have bought the two vials from the local bank and two I can just see the clinic charging me for the storage fees for all this time I thought they were disposed of.

Once this is over I’ll probably have three vials, two from Cali Cryo and one from Biogenetics. Both Puerto Rican. Anyone interested?

Hope all of the cooking is going well. As for my own cooking project, morning monitoring brought:

Uterine lining 12.8

left ovary: 21 14 11 15.5

right ovary: 22 19.5 15

Retrieval saturday. Pray for 100% fertilization its all about that now.