About IVF the THIRD

I could believe every sign around me telling me no:

Mikey’s lack of job.
My unhappiness at my job.
My weight is at its peak.
No disposable cash.
The mixup in August regarding my HSG.
The mixup in September regarding insurance.

Instead I’m sitting here at Alma Mater clinic starting IVF the Third. Even though as late as yesterday I was ready to eat the co pays for these drugs and give them away to the IVP because i seems to be a waste of money to use these drugs on me. Better someone who will get pregnant.

But for me it’s no abou a baby. Its about closure. I know I will find closure on the busness end of the needles that will enter my vein, my ass, and the walls of my vagina.

About family

Sigh….

BabySis, Mami, and the Nephews visited for ten days so enough time has passed for me to let go and able to write things.

They are both very smart and I miss them already. Manly Nephew has a knack for music and art. Lil Kahuna is great at mimicry and solo play. The Nephews are cute and fun but troubled. Lil Kahuna is a biter and screamer, highly competitive with brother and lacks total cooperation with peers (which is normal for two but it felt a little extreme). Manly Nephew is tantrumming and an overeater and has a real whiny/victim streak in him.

BabySis is snarky and tired and basically another parent for the Nephews

Sis is in love with a 20 something guy who moved from Utah to Puerto Rico with his brother to look for work. They do not speak Spanish and are barely LDS. Who leaves a decent economy to move across the country to an island that is poorer than Mississippi without speaking Spanish? Anyways, she’s in love she went in summer to visit him in Utah. to give a clue about his background: His mom charged Sis a daily rate while she stayed there. She visited again this fall hence the NYC visit by the Nephews. And oh yeah she M0rmonized this past spring. Ugh

Dad was impossible during the visit for all sorts of reasons to long to get into detail there. Just a rehash of Dysfunctional marriage and controlling behavior that reminded me why my parents should not be in the same state together. He found  apart time job and lives in a home with his wife, his daughter and her adult daughters. Still no relationship with them.

Mom is older and it shocked me. It took her about two hours upon landing to comment about my weight but overall it was a decent visit. It only took two years of partial estrangement. She gave me a family heirloom ring for my birthday which kinda brought the mortality thing in clear focus.

My birthday…37….I must be crazy to think about IVF the Third

About my career

Maybe today isn’t the best day to update about my job because I am in a really crappy mood but I don’t want any more time to pass here goes. I’m supervising a chidlrne’s cousneling program within a dometic violence organization. The agency is great, very supportive of its staff, nice benefits, good people.  I don’t like it.

I came in insecure, frightened about doing counseling again after a ten year hiatus, and with two counselors who had applied for the job I was hired for. And coming in getting all triggered because of my own past of domestic violence. It was a miserable first few months. My program is an offsite program so it’s just me, two counselors I supervise and a child care worker. I made some critical mistakes which basically undermined my authority as supervisor. And then my supervisor gets pregnant. It’s a little better now, the two counselors giving me the most grief have moved on, 1 to a promotion and 1 out of the agency.  But some of the damage is done. Basically I’m supervising two persons now who have this percetion that I keep myself too apart and that I’m not “clinical enough” because I only have the LMSW not the more clinical LCSW. Yesterday there was a staff event and I was pretty much alone and barely talking much. The fact that it was an open soft bar in a pub and the weather was suprisingly warm and I was overdressed also added to the general lonlieness and discomfort.

I miss busy hectic community based environments.  I miss working with multiple disciplines instead of muddling my way through clinical supervision and counseling. I miss creating programs and developing instuments to measure effectiveness. I miss grant writing and coordinating events.

I’m  putting my resume out there but the market is crappy and the salaries are lower than mine and with Mikey out of work I can’t afford a pay cut. After a dry spell, I had a couple of interviews last week but the more promising one would require a pay cut and  I told them no thanks but they recontacted me saying that they’re revisiting the salary so i’m giving them another shot this week.

I know that in the end what will make me happy is to go back to school and find my passion again whether it is in divinity, public health, public affairs or a combination thereof but right now I need to keep my employment steady until Mikey’s unemployment ends or find a job that gives of enough cushion for Mikey to become a full time house husband and/or student

About relocating ETA

A view of our sky Summer 2009

A couple of posts back Mikey and I talked about Relocating. We did some preliminary research and have pretty much come up with…not much.

Challenge 1: We live in a subsidized co-op Mikey bought 15 years ago in cash. There is no mortgage. This co-op has no taxes because its funded by a housing program. Maintenance is based on income of occupants. So the good news is that our maintenance is a pittance. It’s a pittance for any city.  And there is no mortgage and no taxes. The bad news: We gain no equity. If we move , Mikey gets back only what she bought for the place which was less than 8k.  Anywhere we move means actually adding on a mortgage and taxes to expenses

ETA: Our co-op is in a not great neighborhood that is not going to gentrify anytime soon, it is poorly maintained and the kitchen is something out of the 50’s. And remember we could pour a ton of money into this apt but if we move , we get no equity. And its a 1 bedroom. So if a child comes in we’ll be in a 1br in a not great neighborhood and not great schools.

Challenge 2: Whatever we gain in a cheaper standard of living elsewhere we’ll lose in housing costs, car costs, and moving expenses

Challenge 3: We are not the Homo Depot kind of queers and Mikey’s age and physical limits would mean a townhouse or condo with little to no maintenance. Mikey is going to drive for the first time in her 50’s and I hate driving.  That combined has ruled out anyplace where extreme cold can happen. So no New England, Mid Atlantic or the Midwest.

Challenge 4: California is out because their social work laws are more stringent than NY and I don’t want to deal with having to go back to classes to meet their requirements.

So that leaves NC and FL and thanks to  some feedback, Atlanta. A friend is working on moving to Phoenix for school and being the endearing codependent that he is he wants us to move out there. I told him he was crazy for us to even think  of going to such a Red state. The only reason FL is still in the works is because Maribelle’s family is there and happens to live in the purple spots of Ft. Lauderdale/Miami.

So who knows. It won’t happen anytime soon until IVF III is done because if we had a child we need to get our legal stuff in order before moving out of the protective bubble we live in.

About a cat ETA

Mousie is still alive and well loved

This is our fuzzy, our foosa (term coined from a kid’s movie), Florencio aka Flo much to the confusion of many people who believe Flo is a girl’s name.

Flo is quiet and gnetle and doesn’t attack or scratch any furniture except for one corner of the kitchen cabinet where the kitty treats are stored and metal door hinges. He doesn’t like any human food and 98% of canned cat food. He does enjoy occasionally licking tortilla chips and plastic. And occasional dress hem. He has chronic slow digestion which means pumpkin and extra water plus a low dose of lactulose for the rest of his life. He just recovered from an ear infection in which he spent his time successfully chewing off the gauze and the nylon collar we used to keep the e-collar on him. He was 11lbs when we got him last July, one pound overweight. At his summer checkup he weighed 15lbs. We tried a diet and in September when he went in for the infection, he weighed 15.8! Cat Diet FAIL.

Skinny cats are overrated anyways

About a Butch

Hugging a hotel vase from the Palmer House, Chicago

So yeah um its been a while, huh. Hence the next series of posts will be “about” posts as a means to catch the two people left reading this blog. The butch mentioned in the title is of course my partner, Maribelle or Mikey as I call her sometimes.

Mikey continues to be unemployed. She did some real estate during the summer but its just not somehting she liked to do in the long term. She has some arthritis now and a skeery breast biopsy that thankfully came out benign. So she continues to collect unemployment, looking for work anywhere at this point and decide what to do. One moment she’s thinking of seminaryfull time another she’s thinking of social work or just getting some short term degree/certificate that will get her employed sooner rather than later.

And for the newbie: Mikey was a a stock transfer agent for 143329809 years then worked in asset recovery for a little over a year when the economy tanked and there were layoffs. Since then there was a a brief job handling records for three psych programs for two months and the real estate for three and now nothing. I’m a life long social services/non-profit employee so honestly I don’t know what stock transfer is nor asset recovery.

Aside from the health issues and the employment issues Mikey continues to be a sweet, loving partner and I am blessed to have her in my life.

Crash

So we woke up all stoked for IVF III and we go for bloodworl and ultrasound and the order goes to the pharmacy.

The pahrmacy calls us stating that the insurance is rejecting the gonal-f prescription because it needs pre-authorization. You can’t get authorization on the weekend.

The pharmacy suggested selling us 2 days of gonal-f until I can call the insurance company on Monday and then get reimbursed minus copay. total cost: over 1200 dollars!

When I regained consciousness, we said we didn’t have the money. A call to the nurse confirmed that stims had to start Saturday. So we’re out this month.

We looked at our calendars and November is a possiblity but then after that its January. I just want this to be over. Part of me wants to walk away. Part of me belives this is a sign that I should walk away.

I don’t know what to think anymore.

Poised

Mikey had a cancer scare. Its benign. I started my period Friday.

I’m maxed out on card #1

I have just enough for man in the can in card #2. Man in the can would max it out.

I have 57$ in savings

I have 3$ in checking.

Mikey is unemployed.

Mikey’s cards are maxed out.

Dad and Mom are unemployed

Mikey’s family are poorer than us.

We’re going around and around thinking about how we’re going to pay for meds and drugs and doc visits. Mind you this isn’t even total out of pocket because we have insurance covering almost all of it. But I’m not sure we can afford the paltry amount (compared to what insurance pays) we have to put out.

I’m willing to walk away for medical reasons or emotional ones but I hate to have to walk away for financial ones.

If I could wait six more months or a year I would but I’m 37 (will be in November). So do we leap and pray we’ll figure it out or just accept that we can’t make this work.

And we have until 7:30 am to figure it out

scars

There are two lights in the sky where they used to be. They were a tourist site, an office building, a mall, the site of an AA meeting. It was where I would pick up the train to go to school.

Now the light illuminates the scars on my heart and on the hearts of all of us as we remember.

I see the two lights in the sky and I remember Father Mychal Judge, priest, gay man, alcoholic, my friend’s sponsor. – remember Renee Barret, member of my church. I remember a city that will never be the same.

Anticipation ETA

The good news: The Nephews are visiting for ten days from October 24th till November 3rd W00T!!!

The task: As they live in Puerto Rico and fall weather in NYC will feel like the frozen tundra I have to buy them stuff they will need.

I was given a list: Sweatshirts and/or hoodies Thermals Hat, scarf, mittens Jackets (Fleece? Down?) They are sizes 2T/3T and Children’s Small (6-7). Where should I go? This has got to be cheap.

 I also am going to need car seats for my dad’s toyota camry and the occasional taxi (town cars or yellow cabs) Again Cheap! Recommendations? Estelle?

 Shelli: What’s the link for the safety harness vest?

ETA: I need resources for cheap/free activities for them to do and a place to eat as a group on Sunday November 1st which is my birthday and I want to have a birthday brunch/lunch with them someplace that is kid friendly but not too painful for adults.

And of course I will be happy to entertain play dates with any of the wonderful NYC kids