A couple of months ago I paid 500$ to store lesbian TTC crack aka our remaining sperm vial. Now another $500 dollars is due making this one inch plastic vial very expensive.
I started work in May. If I cycle in August/September and am successful (HA) I am leaving for maternity leave with nothing accumulated in vacation , personal, sick. Yeah sure I can use FMLA which would guarantee me a job when I get back but no income until then. And honestly I wouldn’t blame my job for beign resentful of the chick who gets pregnant less than six months in.
No matter what I say about being nonchalant while there is sperm near my hooha there will be insane inducing hope. Hope that I can’t afford to indulge in because even a year and change later the fall is still very present in my mind. The body remembers trauma. Thinking of a cycle be it clomid or IVF and my muscles tense, my heart palpitates, and I break into a sweat.
When I think about my desire to be pregnant and give birth I was excited. Then anxious. Then terrified. Then heartbroken. and now? I am angry. No. Raging Mad. This isn’t the way I want to be pregnant. This isn’t the way I want to have a baby. I am a walking ball (a very obese ball) of anger grief resentment, a broken Pandora who THINKS she has Hope safely inside her box but it’s smoke and mirrors; ignore the man behind the curtain who are you going to believe me or your own eyes.
That vial siting in Dr. Paisan’s office represented hope: all crystal and light, Swarovski quality prisms of light but now it feels like I am pouring money in a hope that is really plexi glass with silver glitter glue smeared on it to give it the illusion of light. That 1K I may end up spending is part of a down payment for a car or a home. A vacation. A car.
Tomorrow I will call Dr. Paisan’s office. Tomorrow I will sign a form and mail it quick before the Ghost of Ewok Past whispers into my ear. And by Monday; a vial will be destroyed. New hope: for peace, for healing for clarity will be the one that remains in the box.
To quote Anne Lamott: Please, please, please. Help,help,help.
Sending love.
I just wanted to send you a little bit of love in this hard time. xo
Hugs to you for this decision. Hoping it does bring some peace.
sending much hope your way that letting go of the vial will being you peace, relief, and healing. much love to you.
Sending you lots of love. It’s not an easy decision to make, but I hope that eventually, it brings you peace.
Seeyoubye.
That sounds like a really hard decision.
Lots of love.
sending a lot of love…
Wow, that sounds like a really hard decision. I hope you find peace and starts the real journey to peace and happiness.
you know, this comment is a long time in coming. But I so admire and look up to you. I really do. You’re walking this path ahead of me and all the steps you’re taking toward rebirth, and all the healing you push forward to do, all the wound cauterization, the pain of the fire that you survive, it all gives me hope that I, too, will survive this infertility. Our situations are different, and our paths are not parallel, but there is enough similarity there that I can see myself healing because I see you moving forward, too.
You’re going to make an amazing minister. I’m not a Christian, but still I’d go to any church your ministry takes you.
sending you much love.
xoxo
I’m thinking of you. xo
oh, S. i am so sorry you are facing this. wishing you all the strength in the world when you make that phone call. (((hugs)))
Peace be with you.