Today while commenting at a blog I don’t usually comment my only choice to leave a comment was to sign in with my google sign in. It was the first time in a looong time since I signed in with that and I can’t believe the reaction I had within myself. When my comment appeared on the screen it appeared with my old avatar of an ewok. It seems like another lifetime ago when Mikey and I were using pics of ewoks as our avatars.  When this blog didn’t exist.

It was another life ago. It ws a life where Mikey and I were happily married. It was a life where I weighed a little under 200lbs. It was a life that knew nothing about giving an intramuscular shot. It was from a blog that had links to babywearing websites. It was a life where I couldn’t even imagine that I would not come out with a baby. Our baby. Our Ewok. Our plans for a weird wacky Star Wars themed baby shower. Our naivete. Hell I’ll even give voice to the bitterness: Our stupidity.

I saw that avatar and it propeled me back to a painful place I thought was past. I mean I even told another blogger that the pain will fade. I think it still holds true. The pain has faded but yes, it will come back. Once in a while you will feel your breath catch and heart twist in on itself because for a brief moment you saw what could have been and wasn’t.

For a brief moment looking at that tiny furry face next to a moment and I saw the Sophia I was about four years ago. And with all my being I wanted to somehow meld my hand into the screen as if somehow I could touch that Ewok and be twonycmoms again and we could again be on the Journey to an Ewok. But then the reality set in. And with my hand still stretched out I knew that I was reaching into the impossible. And that I will be Forever Reaching.

Forever. Reaching.

Rising with the bitter taste of ashes of a journey burnt in my mouth and in my soul.

I am the Phoenix. Nycphoenix.