Ok, let’s talk about the elephant hanging around the IF blogosphere. This coming Sunday is (dare I type it?), Mother’s Day.

To wax not so eloquently: It sucks for the IF crowd. It sucks for the I love my mom but she’s far away/deceased crowd. It sucks for the I love my mom but she has an entire chapter dedicated to her in several psychology textbooks crowd. 

So for me, who is an infertile currently estranged from her mother who lives 1000 miles away there aren’t enough metaphors to express the anger and bitterness I feel about this upcoming Sunday. There is no acidic substance that can be dripped onto the open wounds in my soul that could fully illustrate how I feel when I allow myself to look at the elephant.

Mother’s Day has fucked up one Sunday a year for me. And I’m pissed because for me Sunday is supposed to mean church and feeling spiritually refreshed for the week ahead. And when I go to church on Sunday, I will be up in front standing in the choir watching the pastor bless the mothers and her blessing will not be for me and Mikey. Don’t tell me to not go to church. I miss church once a month to make room for an AA committment and I feel so off center I can’t imagine missing more.And did I forget to mention I have been asked to join the deaconate? I have a month to make my decision and then will receive 12 weeks of training starting in July.

But there is a balm this year. Mother’s Day this year falls on a date in May that is full of joy. While it will hurt to watch the mothers’ blessing I will take comfort that on May 11, 2001, God gave me proof of His love for me by sending Mikey in my path. And while we may not have the child we still have our love.