The last strike out has to do with the recent machinations of the new job and how it is not working for me. I was reoffered the position I turned down to take this job and I said yes. Because of security issues (I need background checks done to work with a vulnerable population), I won’t be able to start till May 1. Broke the news to the ED; she is devastated. Nice woman but not the most effective when it comes to Human Resource Management. She could use someone to come in and clean house and be her bad cop so she can concentrate on finding money like all EDs
Now about TTC. I change my mind sixty times a day. I think about the new insurance I will receive. Then I think that I can’t keep shortchaging my career by focusing soley on my benefits and the ups and downs of a TTC cycle. And I think about how I am now a woman of advanced maternal age with diminished ovarian reserve and how it would feel to have another craptastic IVF result. Then I think about how we would ever come up with the money for a donor egg cycle because even if I can cajole something from the state and from the insurance company it still looks like we would have to come up with 10-15K. And then I think about going through foster-adopt but by the time we get a 2 bedroom house/apt/coop/condo to qualify and do the rest we are going to feel too old to parent. And then I think about private adoption but again that’s still money we have to find and I have some real insecurity issues about how any birth mother is going to pick us with the Family Tree Rot that I have. Then I think about that it may just be better to live child free and give our love to church, each other, and our chosen family. Then I think about that Mikey and I are on such shaky ground that I should put my mind on either fixing us or moving on and not add a child to the equation.
*Hug* It’s not an easy time, I know. The whole back-and-forth stuff about parenting is difficult, and I have no advice. Just hang on.
I am amazed at how you are able to push through when there is so so much going on. I am incredibly proud of you for knowing that you need to go to the other job. I know so many people that would try to make the square peg fit in the round hole. Not saying you wouldn’t have been aMAZing at the current gig- but, you know what I mean.
sending much love to you.
xo
I’m so sorry. I KNOw how hard it all is when things are not even going right in your relationship. I am sending ya lots of positive energy and thoughts. And a big hug!!
I am so happy you were offered the other job! Congrats! And I empathize with having many options but none of them seem right. Hugs to you.
What a hard decision – I can see why it’s hard to move forward with TTC and why it’s hard to stop. I’ll be pulling for you whatever you decide.
Ugh, so much shit, so many hard decisions. Wishing you well in all of it.