So I am now about four chapters behind in my “Unsung Lullabies” so I am going to try to squeeze it all into one (ok maybe 2) posts.

Chapter 6 was about men and infertility, Chapter 7 was about “Relationships Under Fire” or acording to Sophia’s Edit of Infertility Chapters “How infertility sucks monkey balls for him too.” and “How it sucks monkey balls for the both of you.”

I read both and find myself remembering what these past few years have been for Mikey and I. Being with a butch I saw a lot of Mikey in the feelings attributed to men. She felt inadequate in her inability to get me pregnant. She had no interest in learning about female reproductive system even though she has one of her own.  And her way of communicating and methods of coping are very aligned to the actions seen as male: being a caretaker, being silent, wanting to avoid or fix things. As this has more to do with our relationship, I’m going to continue on with Chapter 7.

There is one aspect that is not covered in the book: GLBT relationships have an added layer of relationship negotiation on whether to have children. Right now, heterosexual couples of childbaring age are expected to have children. Not so for GLBT couples. So before we dealt with infertility we had to deal with whether we should have children.

Mikey is 15 years older. Had no interested in birthing children. When the baby boom hit the community, she was single and in her early forties. Mikey thought that anyone that comes into her life would be close to her age and past childbearing or maybe has a child from a previous relationship. She was open to be a step-parent. Then I come in, 28 and a biological clock ticking. It was an adjustment to say the least. She went along first to please me then came into her own desire for children later in our TTC journey.

Unfortunately this has come back to poison our arguments. More than once I reminded her about how she has been so reluctant to have kids; as if her emotions caused my ovaries to shut down. As the authors state throughout the chapter, we need to remember we are two individuals going through infertility. Therefore we bring different coping styles, different communication styles and different grief processes into the relationship.

I am a talker, a process junkie. I run to my therapist, my blog, my sponsor and my recovery program when things aren’t right. Mikey closes up, goes silent. I get moody and angry and become controlling, demanding or just plain nasty. Mikey avoids conflict, speaks less and becomes passive.

So the past four years have been hard. Fighting about every little thing, our sex life slowing down to nothing, and finding someway to blame Mikey for everything. Infertility has brought forth other issues in our relationships and we’re kinda at a loss what the next step is. I mean we have money/employment problems, lack of meds/therapy problem, sex problems, infertility. I’m hoping once I’m employed some if this stress will lighten up and we can make inroads towards each other again.

Chapter 7 stated things that aren’t very new but its good to review it becauseeven social workers can forget in the midst of infertility pain. Know each others coping skills. Prioritize your arguments; nine times out of ten the issue isnt that important to get into an argument over. Allow open communication taking each other’s differences into account. Let go of the need to control and negotiate. And remember the reasons why you wanted to have a child together.