These are the chapters I like to call the “DUH!” chapters because when I read them, everything just sounded so clear and well explained I felt like an idiot for not writing this book myself. Bonus idiocy points because I’m a social worker.

So Chapter 3 are about the losses that come with infertility. Imagine you are a puzzle. Infertility is that little invisible imp that takes several puzzle pieces and hides them in the nook and crannies of the house so you can’t finish the puzzle. It’s also a sneaky theif, it doesn’t take the pieces that are obvious like the border pieces and the pieces with the face. It takes a bucnch of pieces from the floral garden. Pieces you don’t notice till you’re 98% done and you’re lifting the box wondering what the hell happens to those pieces.

Now I have to admit that my losses don’t quite “fit” those losses mentioned by the authors. It’s almost like I have two puzzles that got mixed and while the missing pieces suck, it sucks in a different way. Ok, I’m making no sense here so let’s continue with the authors’ list o’ losses.

• The loss of the experience of pregnancy and birth: Ok. I’m there. 100%, the staring at pregnant bellies, baby showers as torture, etc.
• The loss of a sense of belonging: Ummm hmmm not quite there. You see being queer kinda lets you off the proverbial hook in the baby making department. So since as a lesbian I’m not expected to have children so I don’t have a peer group or family members asking about when I plan to have children. It’s a double edged sword because since you’re not expected to have kids, no one bothers to inquire if you’re having infertility issues or they assume that as lesbians we can automatically switch to adoption without feeling the loss of getting pregnant. I think people think lesbians feel infertility less because we as a community do not biologically reproduce through sex and usually don’t have the mandate to multiply. Actually, people rarely think about lesbians and infertility in the same sentence.
• The loss of being in control: Who? Me? A control freak? What do you think I am, an alcoholic with a faulty ego and sense that I am God? Ahem. Well. Moving on…
• The loss of feeling healthy and normal: Honey the obesity and above alcoholism have already chipped away on the Healthy and normal. This just brought the final deathblow. But I recognize that I may not feel this as deeply as the heterosexual infertile, but it’s there trust me.
• The loss of feeling competent: Umm I think this past month of unemployment has done more to undermine my feeling of competence but yeah I definitely feel I can’t connect with kids the way I used to. But who knows maybe my lack of job and my unhappiness at the last job has a root in this? Sigh…bad time not to have money to go to therapy.
• The loss of sexual intimacy, identity and privacy: Not so much considering that lesbian reproduction at its most basic has to involve at least a third party (a known donor for the at home inseminations) to an entire blogosphere.

Chapter 4 made me think: It went through how infertility impacts adult development. Huh? But then the authors list four developmental processes for adults:

• separating from your own parents
• strengthening your adult identity by increasing responsibility
• forming intimate relationships
• fulfilling a need to leave something for the future.

Wow. I never thought about this before. I think one of the myths surrounding LGBT people is that we as a community are juvenile. And now I realize this myth has been fueled by the fact that we as a whole, do not have children. I mean many do but I don’t know if the LGBT birthrate will ever match the birthrate of the population at large. So its easy to see us as not quite adults. Woah. And yes I realize now that I feel like I’m being viewed as young and carefree. Sophia and Mikey can just pick up and go and do anything. They can move into neighborhoods without thinking about school systems. They can go dancing till dawn. They can quit jobs without worring about how it will affect the family. Are we even a family? We’re just a couple of jet setting lesbians with a nary a care in the world.

It reminds me of when my mother came to visit when I was co-chairing a conference. It was insane and I was all over the place dealing with the usual dramas of a four day event filled weekend. My mother got me a beautiful tote bag. She was with Mikey when she bought the bag and said she wanted to give me a present for all my hard work. She said that she saw a different side of me that weekend. She saw a coolheaded leader that people came to for answers to their questions. She saw an amazing conference that I contributed to. In short, she saw me as an adult. And I have to remember this because in the end there are many things that mark me as an adult. It does not have to be based solely on my ability to have children.

Now head over to Are We There Yet? for their post.