Yesterday we went visiting friends and played a game called Mille Barnes (sp?). It’s a card game about traveling on a road with the goal of reaching 1000 miles. There are harzard cards people use to slow other players and safety cards to protect you from the hazards.

I said a while back that my clue to continue on this Journey to an Ewok was that every time I thought it was the end, something swooped in to save the day. A repair card, if you will, every time we hit a bump in the road so we can continue on. As of today there are no more safety cards; no more repair cards to fix where we are at. We are for all intents and purposes stopped.

Mikey will turn 50 in April. She will enter seminary in the fall and incur student loan debt to pay for it. I am 50K in student loan debt. Mikey’s job situation is fluid right now. We have no credit, no equity and no assets. And while desparation had me reading up on IVF loans, Mikey and a friend brought up a true but heartbreaking statement: “Do you want to go into debt for a 10% – 15% chance of success?”

10 -15%. According to my brief googling those are the odds of a successful IVF cycle for a women with DOR under the age of 40. And we won’t know the results of all that testing for another two weeks and how those answers may affect these numbers either way.

I am looking for another job because as I have alluded to in previous posts, I am unhappy where I’m at. But let’s say I find one within the next month, give a month’s notice and then wait 3 months for insurance to kick in. That means the earliest we can contemplate trying IVF#3 is late summer. Then we have to decide if we have it in us to try again with that 10-15% hanging over our heads.

Today I met with friends who I haven’t seen in a while. The changes in one of them blew me away. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own stuff I didn’t realize he has been slipping away. It was like a bucket of cold water was poured over my head. I need to spend some time with him and support his girlfriend and family for what lies ahead. He joked with Mikey: “You have a direct line to the Big Man. Tell Him I want to finish school and he ain’t taking me without a fight.”

My mind has been a scary place. A lot of images of escapism and running away of imagining going back to my old ways to hide from myself. I struggle every morning to convince myself that acting out with any mind or mood altering substance or person is not the answer. I talk myself from not picking up that hot or sharp item to bring my pain to the surface is not the answer (yes I am a recovering self-mutilater too).

When I saw the image of self-destruction in my mind yesterday I knew what my next step was going to be. Wednesday I go to therapy and ask for a referral. I will get back on my psychotropic medications. It will take three months for it to reach therapuetic levels. Hopefully it will bring me to a place where I can concentrate on a job search, a recovery program, a relationship with God and the blessing that is my partner. And prepare to help another friend (what is this #20? #21? HIV you fucking fuck.) transition to another plane.

So for now, for today the Journey to an Ewok is ended. Maybe a safety card will drop into our laps like its done so many times before but I have a feeling God has a different plan for me right now. Maybe this Journey was about finding out the truth about our bodies so that it may help Baby Sis. Maybe our “children” will become the church Mikey will pastor in some day. Maybe my nephews will need us someday when Sis and Babydaddy implode. Maybe God has a calling for me and needed me to experience this so I can be what Henri Nouwen calls “The Wounded Healer”.

I don’t know what this means for this blog. I know I keep reading all of my links although my comments have been sparse. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Maybe I’ll join the others and reincarnate in a different format under a new title that isn’t TTC focused. Side Note: All you with the new addresses: I can’t find you on B*loglines or G**gle Reader so tell me if there is one place I can subscribe to you or if I’m back to one on one clicking. I’ll keep posting occasionally until I decide what the next step is.